Bin Laden spotted in Tokyo

Bin Laden in TokyoSo Bin Laden’s been wandering around Shinjuku and Akihabara, and they’ve had to call on me to reprogram the criminal & terrorist database system. Useless. Bastards. Every Government computer in Japan only accepted foreigners’ names in Katakana or Kanji.

Never stand behind a gaijin in a bank. You’ll be there for fucking hours while the idiot behind the counter looks up every possible variation of スミーズ、ズーミース、スムス、ズームーズ、 (zumiizu, suumiizu, sumisu, zuumiizu). And that’s just for Smith; wait till you get someone with an ‘R’ or ‘L’ in their name. And if you hear the words ‘Middle Name’ put down your tent, it’ll take days.

So I’ve just finished going through 700,000 names one by one. Nicely categorized, I’m give ’em that. Got the ‘white gaijin, let them through’ category (so you see you wingeing permanent residents, nothing to worry about), ‘dreadlocks, full body search’ category, ‘looks Japanese, but really Korean’ category, ‘red carpet, Hilton w/ high-school girls’ which bizarrely has the Pope and George Bush, Sr. Got it from the Americans so I guess they have the info.

So I finally get to the ‘hold him down and roger him with a truncheon’ category, and blam オサマ ラーデン ビーン (Osama Raden Bean) , and some dude called David Christopher Aldwinckle (strongly advise naturalization, Davy). So Bin wanders through cunningly disguised in a black suit, grabs a taxi down to Akihabara.

So apparently there was this huge commotion down in Akihabara when this 7ft dude tries to use his credit card to buy a Nintendo Wii. They can’t get it to process, and he’s screaming at the shop staff, “It’s a fucking ‘L’, not an ‘R'”.

The situation only resolved itself when just as he’s threatening to take his custom elsewhere, he quietly mentions:

“Listen, a friend of a friend is the Justice Minister Kunio Hatoyama

Well, that scares the shit out of them, and they give him the Wii on the house.

So Kunio-kun phones me to sort this shit out. He’s complaining that a friend has been treated badly. “Look Kazu”, he says, “I don’t know this Ben Obama Raden guy, but after the last misunderstanding I don’t want people to think, I’m anti-foreigner, you know. He flew out yesterday, and as a gesture of kindness, I popped one of those 50″ flatscreen TVs in his luggage. Get the word out – good publicity and all that.”

Now there’s a dozen messages on my answer phone from Kunio-kun, asking if I can get a fucking Wii remote shipped out to Afghanistan. Some friend called Austin Ben Larder has broken his playing bowling.

Photo by Slapayoda


2 comments so far

  1. Anon on

    You Sir, are fucking brilliant!

  2. Anon on


    Kick the Jal girls out of bed and get back to work ya bastard!

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