Bin Laden spotted in Tokyo

So Bin Laden’s been wandering around Shinjuku and Akihabara, and they’ve had to call on me to reprogram the criminal & terrorist database system. Useless. Bastards. Every Government computer in Japan only accepted foreigners’ names in Katakana or Kanji.

Never stand behind a gaijin in a bank. You’ll be there for fucking hours while the idiot behind the counter looks up every possible variation of スミーズ、ズーミース、スムス、ズームーズ、　(zumiizu, suumiizu, sumisu, zuumiizu). And that’s just for Smith; wait till you get someone with an ‘R’ or ‘L’ in their name. And if you hear the words ‘Middle Name’ put down your tent, it’ll take days.

So I’ve just finished going through 700,000 names one by one. Nicely categorized, I’m give ’em that. Got the ‘white gaijin, let them through’ category (so you see you wingeing permanent residents, nothing to worry about), ‘dreadlocks, full body search’ category, ‘looks Japanese, but really Korean’ category, ‘red carpet, Hilton w/ high-school girls’ which bizarrely has the Pope and George Bush, Sr. Got it from the Americans so I guess they have the info.

So I finally get to the ‘hold him down and roger him with a truncheon’ category, and blam オサマ ラーデン ビーン　(Osama Raden Bean) , and some dude called David Christopher Aldwinckle (strongly advise naturalization, Davy). So Bin wanders through cunningly disguised in a black suit, grabs a taxi down to Akihabara.

So apparently there was this huge commotion down in Akihabara when this 7ft dude tries to use his credit card to buy a Nintendo Wii. They can’t get it to process, and he’s screaming at the shop staff, “It’s a fucking ‘L’, not an ‘R'”.

The situation only resolved itself when just as he’s threatening to take his custom elsewhere, he quietly mentions:

“Listen, a friend of a friend is the Justice Minister Kunio Hatoyama“

Well, that scares the shit out of them, and they give him the Wii on the house.

So Kunio-kun phones me to sort this shit out. He’s complaining that a friend has been treated badly. “Look Kazu”, he says, “I don’t know this Ben Obama Raden guy, but after the last misunderstanding I don’t want people to think, I’m anti-foreigner, you know. He flew out yesterday, and as a gesture of kindness, I popped one of those 50″ flatscreen TVs in his luggage. Get the word out – good publicity and all that.”

Now there’s a dozen messages on my answer phone from Kunio-kun, asking if I can get a fucking Wii remote shipped out to Afghanistan. Some friend called Austin Ben Larder has broken his playing bowling.

Photo by Slapayoda

I love Joseph Heller

When I drafted the legal code of Japan, one of the buggers was that it looked as though the Constitution was going to force me to make it apply to gaijin and Japanese equally which although fair is not right.

This seemed to be an impossible conundrum and then I read Catch-22 (in the original English of course). Joseph Heller, I salute you, you are a fucking genius. OK, were.

Essentially, and I’ve tested this in the courts and the judges backed me (fuck they have no choice when I’ll just fire them if they don’t). It works like this:

If you any crime was allegedly committed against you then unless you speak perfect Japanese, this introduces reasonable doubt due to your misunderstanding.
How do we define ‘perfect Japanese’? Only, that Japanese spoken by the Japanese themselves.

This ain’t just a loophole. It’s a perfect circle, made by yours truly.

Economics, Security, and “Shikata ga nai” (pt1)

All this hoopla about fingerprinting foreign residents. Everything comes down to one thing: “It’s the economy stupid“. When I designed the Japanese Economic Policy in High School, I knew it was about 2 things: compliance and Louis Vuitton Bags.

The fact that we have the 2nd biggest economy in the world and yet basically the whole population has absolutely no life is not some chance occurence:

It’s there by design

My design of course, and it’s fucking perfect. But I don’t want to brag. The guys are easy to deal with. If you’re fluent in Latin like me, you’ll know that education comes from ‘educare’ to ‘lead out’. So that’s what we do: we suck out every ounce of individuality and replace it with a total inability to question anything. We are relentless. We disguise the whole process with exam hell, but the kernel of the whole system is this:

Situation: adversity; Response: “It can’t be helped” (Shikata ga nai).

And frankly, given that the life we have in store for them is just one long adversity, this is a good thing. 70 work hours/week, life in a rabbit hutch, nightly getting loaded with another bunch of suited losers, 5 holidays a decade.

So you foreigners who think you can mobilize the Japanese population to stop us fingerprinting, get a clue. This is a population whose response to their own misery is: nothing. Do you honestly think they give a fuck about you? Try it. Grab a random citizen of the street, and ask him what he thinks about the fingerprinting policy, and he’ll say: “Shikata ga nai“. Guaranteed.

To be continued …

Digital Sodomy

And another thing, where’s the kids and mothers line at Narita Airport. Do you think screaming kids are going to look good as their mothers are being interrogated? I wrote the book on marketing fundamentals, and you’ll see there right at number 3:

Cute crying kids: bad

Especially, those foreign halfs. They’re so damnably kawaii (Marketing Rule#2 kawaii sells fucking anything) till they grow up. Get that line of cute kids and mothers whisked through. Great camera op. Who wouldn’t be smiling knowing that the other 90% run the risk of the full body search. Especially, now we’ve moved Dr. Hiroto “Digital Sodomy” Matsuoka to airport security.

Arseholes, Hatoyama, and JAL Hotties

After getting me to draft the legislation to keep out the gaijin, those idiots at the Japanese Foreign Ministry still manage to fuck it up completely. Kunio Hatoyama, all you needed to do was parrot the line about security and safety for all citizens and gaijin alike. See what we’re looking here is a slick slogan, a tight tit-bit, a sound bite, and I can tell this ain’t it:

A friend of a friend is a terrorist.

What an arsehole. So Kunio-kun phones me up blubbing a couple of days ago. What am I going to do? This is a disaster. Why didn’t any one buy it? Toss-head. Advice Kunio. Shut the fuck up forever.

Anyway, so there I am having to bail out the Ministry of Justice again. So I say: “Look Kunio-kun, what the public doesn’t need is some politician who frankly looks like a Japanese porn actor – no Kunio not Chocoball, the desperate salarymen that they drag off the street with the flaccid dicks – what they need is some handsome stud like myself to promote this fingerprinting thing. I’ll show up at Narita, turn it in to a photo-op, perhaps a movie short or something – come Oscars time I’ll send on a native Ainu instead of me. I’ll blow em away. The public will lap it up, and the press who have no bollocks anyway will be ‘Kazu protects us again from the foreign scourge.'”

So that’s the plan, I’ve got my private film crew there, half the phone numbers of the JAL hotties – who wouldn’t want to sleep with me, yeah baby – have to admit it though took my eye off the ball, and let Kunio-kun out of my sight. Jesus, he’s like a teenager in an Middle Eastern whorehouse – 30 seconds he’s stuck his dick into the belly dancer’s eye, and come over the Persian rug. God knows what he says to that reporter from the Mainichi but next day after kicking the JAL girls out of the Presidential Suite, I’m perusing the papers looking for the hero angle, and there’s this:

TV celebrity Kazutomo Miyamoto urged immigration officials during a photo-op to use a new process to fingerprint inbound foreigners to fight foreign crime, not terrorism as the government claims the system will be used for.

Kunio, you know and I know, that the whole point of the exercise is to target foreigners, but the point is totally nullified if you tell anyone. How the hell are the police going to sneak up on unsuspecting gaijin demanding a trip to the ‘habeas-non-corpus’ friendly Koban when you go and tell the whole fucking world.